What have I done so far? . .

Life of Solitude?

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 01:33:14 GMT

I've been taking all my friendships and acquaintances for granted for a while I realize. I'm kind of curious as to what constitutes a truly intimate relationship with another person? The reason I'm asking is because, well, I don't feel "especially close" to anyone. That is not to say that I'm not close to my mom or sister, or any of my friends. The thing is that while I'm friendly to a lot of individuals there isn't a single person I know with whom I can share my deepest secrets, dreams, and hopes. Some people may feel that there isn't such a relationship and this may be a reflection of their past experiences with others. Some may feel that there is that special person out there that we are all made for. I'm not really inclined to believe either conclusion as the former is just too grim and the latter makes it seem as though there is some benevolent being who cares enough to shape and direct your life to the extent that you meet that one person who complements you so perfectly that being together with anyone else simply does not compare.

I think that is just stupid and naive. If there is a God I think he has more important things to care about i.e., the rest of the universe.

What I do believe is that there are certain personality types that just go well with one another. That is to say the way some people behave and react go well with the way others do so. So there isn't the "one" person that is right for us, just the "type" of person that is right for us.

If I take that as my premise then we probably meet the right "type" of person for us many times over during the course of our lives but we never realize it or if we do we do we fail to act due to factors based on physical appearance, religion, cultural differences, etc. I mean the list just goes on and on.

So what are we to make of all this? Well that is the problem, or is it? Lets say all these differences don't matter and lets say we just accepted lovers and mates based on personality alone. So where does that leave us? In a world void of the family institution, at least in the traditional sense that we are used to. Monogamy sure as hell wouldn't hold up would it, I mean when you think of it, what would be the incentive to have one lover and soul mate when you could have 10 equally intimate relationships?

Would this be a better or worse situation to live in? Would I be comfortable having 10 to 20 brothers and sisters with a father who shared his love among us equally. Would I feel jealous that they got as much attention as I? Would I even care?

That, all of that, in a seemingly nonsensical way in my mind, leads back to my question of what constitutes a truly intimate relationship? Is it just having a partnership with a person who happens to have a compatible personality and fits within your accepted prejudices and preferences? Is it something deeper, shallower. Does it exist? Is it just two people who just happen to be comfortable living with each other and don't feel the urge to spend time and energy looking for someone else who may be better suited for them?

What about our familial relationships? Are we close to the people in a family because we're attached on an emotional and spiritual level or do we just call ourselves family because its expected of us by the rest of society and religion?

Anyway just thought I'd throw that out there. I really don't have anything to add, I was just really bored and felt like pseudo-philosophizing a bit and wasting time.

Later.

Meeting Others?

Fri, 25 May 2007 01:58:53 GMT

So I go to B.U which is apparently the 4th largest private university in the country and which has the most robust study abroad program as well. My question is thus, "Why don't I interact with other cultures?" I know it seems like an irrelevant question with the constant struggle to pull off a good gpa and find a job after graduation but still. There are a lot of different ethnicities and peoples who go here and who probably have interesting life stories, however, I don't ever bother to find out about them. Maybe I suffer from a form of ethnocentrism and I like to deny that fact. I wonder what other acts of self-denial I put myself through? I want a sixpack of abs and to drive a lambourghini murcielago while at the same preaching to others I'm not shallow and I want a deep and understanding relationship with a wonderful girl.

*sniffle*

Fact is I'm not ready for that kind of commitment yet, I mean I'm not even 20. Come to think of it why am I in such a rush to achieve my goals. If I accomplished all of said goals before I turn 40 then what else is there for me to do? Thats' a pretty screwed up way to look at things huh? Why do I claim to want to interact with other cultures so badly? Because some girl I like has an honest interest in foreign cultures & people, therefore I use this as a pathetic excuse to mimic her? I claim that I've always had an interest in others when the last, oh I don't know, 19 years of my life have been dedicated to the goal of making sure that my needs come first and that they are satisfied accordingly. So to put it simply I'm a very selfish person. Not a horrible person, I mean I'm capable of caring for others and listening to their problems and what have you, but I'm not very patient. I'll listen to people talk but after a while I start to think of them negatively, not judging them but just you know, being like what is the big deal here, just suck it up and move on with your life.

I wonder when this introverted view of like began?

I guess I just have trouble really relying on people or I trust them with too much information too soon and then I'm quickly disappointed when they don't feel obligated to share anything personal with me. No wonder, I mean I don't bother building rapport or a foundation of trust with them. I just sort of throw some personally kept secrets at them in the vain hope that on some level we connect because at that point the conversation has quickly fizzled as questions about your major and what your parents do don't really last very long. (Yea, its taken me a while to figure that out.)

So anyways here I am sitting at my laptop with nothing better to do with myself and I just realized that by engaging my summer roommate in some idle chatter that has collectively lasted maybe 5 minutes total, I have established a deeper relationship with him than I did with my previous roommate for the entire academic school year.

Holy Shit!

That is sad. But oh well, so goes life eh?

:)

Basics

Tue, 08 May 2007 02:06:13 GMT

As the title implies, this entry is mainly concerned with the concept of basics.

What I mean to say is that I've been avoiding the basic principle of acquiring a new skill or changing a particular aspect of my life. I have always sought out the "quick" way of doing things and when things obviously didn't go my way I simply got pissed off. When I started excercising on a regular basis 2 or so years ago back home, I was so enthusiastic about the six pack of abs I was building. Although I don't explicitly remember thinking this, I am sure that all my underlying effort was based on the assumption that within a few months/ one year I'd be "ripped", that is to say I'd have washboard abs. The problem was that after about a summer of relatively inconsistent and ineffective workouts I quickly became frustrated when nobody noticed that I had been, in my opinion, busting my ass off. I was just simply put annoyed at everyone for not noticing how much muscle I'd put on or how much I had changed. Needless to say I quickly gave up and went into deep depression mode.

My intent, by sharing that story with you, was to illustrate how much of an arrogant fool I once was and probably still am.

If you've been reading my posts you've probably noticed that I've taken a liking to all these self help books. Well, as it so happens, another interesting theme or message is that a lot of the books or programs these days that claim to help people only serve short term purposes. The truth of the matter is that these programs are superficial and do next to nothing, if anything, to improve the core of an individual. Their main points or emphasis is to give you quick tips that will help you get quick results and before you can realize that these tips don't offer lasting results or changes, you've paid them with your hard earned cash. Examples include the atkins diet or various dating books that have headline covers such as "10 pick up lines that ensure your success with women" or some such nonsense. Now there are obviously some exceptions to the rule and there are people who really do gain from these programs as quickly as advertised but for the majority of us this sadly is not the case. I've been following the newsletters of a guy named David DeAngelo. He's a dating guru offer to help men change their relationship with women. Now before you say anything and say this guys is some quack that is just gonna offer me some tips with no substance, I have actually purchased his stuff and no, it isn't bullshit. I was actually skeptical about his stuff for about 2 years before I decided to take a gamble and buy his stuff right before christmas '06. He's actually legit and his guest speakers are actually legitimate in the advice and opinions they share.

Again comes the question why do I bother to share all this with you?

I've decided to take this approach to every area of my life that I think needs improvement.

I have goals, some superficial, some relationship related, some knowledge related, the main point is that I have to start from scratch and accept the reality that everything I want is going to require two things from me: diligence and patience. The thing is. . . I'm scared. I won't admit it to anyone else, but I'm afraid and unwilling to make the commitment. I have dreams but I'm afraid to reach out and grasp them. Its sort of funny, in a way it reminds me of the saying "everyone wants to go to heaven, but everyone is afraid to die" or something along those lines.

What about this change am I afraid of?
What are the consequences I'll face if I change?
What are the consequences I'll face if I don't?
Am I willing to accept them either way?
Am I sure that I'll be happy and satisfied with my decision?

In a sense I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life but I don't know which direction to take. I still plan to change some aspects of my life this summer, however, what of my life 3 or 20 years from now. Can I afford to wait any longer to enact the changes I want and think I need.

Time is precious and one thing I'm sure of is that I don't have a lot of it to throw away.

So I've been wondering. . .

Wed, 02 May 2007 15:31:34 GMT

What do I really want to do with my life?

I know I have goals related to such things as philanthropy and love but what am I passionate about?

I really have no concrete idea. I know I'm a computer science major but at times it feels like I'm just going along with the program because I want / think I need a steady job right after graduation even though my dream is to create a startup tech company before I turn 25. I dream that this company of mine will not only be instantaneously successful but that it will be sold for an amount no less than several hundred million dollars.

As it is plain to anyone who as just read the above, I am not really that mentally sane. Then again, its not entirely impossible for me or anyone else to reach the status of billionaire before 30 or 40. However, am I investing my time properly so as to maximize my returns. That is to say, am I learning as much as possible and actively taking actions that are going to make my dreams a reality?

As a college student, have I really reached a level of emotional maturity where I don't care about other people's opinions, where I am not afraid to fail?

I think the answer is a simple NO. I have a lot of skills that I need to acquire which require a lot of pain, sacrifice, time, and money. However, I find that I am afraid of making mistakes, I am too lazy to change my lifestyle, that I am unwilling to become proactive but instead prefer to be told what to do instead of being the one giving the orders. I am, in essence, the proverbial lamb. Meek, amiable, and always selflessly willing to help without asking for anything in return.

I am needy. Yes I will admit it. Not in the sense that I always want someone to be around but I always want someone to need my presence, to miss me if you will. When I realize that everyone is moving on with their respective lives and dreams I'm left to inwardly wish them ill will when in fact I should be wishing them the best. Not because it is the "right" thing to do but because I should be moving on with my own life as well.

I am a blatant contradiction because I have these goals but am unwilling to make the necessary effort to complete them. As a response, all this angers builds up inside me and when I see others getting into relationships and doing well in school and actually having a life I become infuriated and lash out against them, not in public but within myself. As a result I become even more introverted as I distance myself even more from others because I mentally justify to myself that they don't understand me. In the end, anyone that could potentially become a friend or an acquaintance is instantly disqualified for any number of reasons, even racial ones. It is for this and for many other things that I am ashamed to call myself a loving and caring friend. How can I call myself a person's friends when I take inner joy if I do better than they do. I like to think of myself as superior to them whether I admit it to myself or not and consequently feed my ego. This ego therefore becomes even more bloated and petty, and as I've just stated, jealous of any form of accomplishment of which I am unable to partake in.

This brings me back to the question of my goals. How can I even consider setting and achieving goals of self-improvement if I am unwilling to properly devote a sufficient amount of time and energy to myself. One of the most important lessons I have taken from these wealth and self-help books that I've been reading is that I have to change my basic self, my personality, my inner core, before I can even consider any changes to my life and lifestyle.

I believe that this self-exploration is a necessary prerequisite before I can transform from my old self into the new me.

I hope that I'm up to the task.

Wish me luck.

;)

Best Quote I've found in a while

Tue, 01 May 2007 03:59:23 GMT

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
------ Emerson

4/24/2007 – 11:35 P.M.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:09:21 GMT

Ok so I'm a little frustrated with how badly my research paper from my writing class turned out. I know that I really didn't have anything to go on and I realize that it was mostly a last minute thing but still. . .

I hate it when I get a grade higher than I deserve even though I worked hard for it. Shit!
It feels like I'm getting a free handout because I'm not as intelligent or rather knowledgeable as some of the other kids in class on economics.
Good thing all of that is going to change this summer :) . . . . : * (

So anyways, another thought that just crossed my mind is "why am I so unwilling to make the intellectual commitment to better myself?"

I know what I have to do but I just don't want to do it. I give myself shit for not feeling as articulate or as knowledgeable as some of the kids in my class (okay to be honest at times some of them do come off as incredibly wordy) but I can't commit. I'm willing to go to the gym on a daily basis and sit my ass on the stationary bike for half an hour but am I willing to take it to the next level?

I guess it just seems like such a daunting task, considering most of these kids have spent a lot of their spare time improving themselves intellectually (by reading classics, learning an instrument, or participating in scholarly activities), physically (playing sports with friends, participating in martial arts since the age of 3, etc) , and socially (being in relationships with other kids their age while I've never had a girlfriend. . . and no I'm not gay. I've just had serious self esteem issues for the past God knows how many years).

I on the other hand have spent a lot of my time browsing porn websites, eating unhealthy, going through emotional highs and lows, obsessing unhealthily over video games and shunning books. Not to mention being constantly single, see right there, thats the main thing for me.

So you see ladies and gents, that is the reason why I have dedicated myself to self-improvement this summer. Emotional and Social improvement by actively meeting AND dating new people outside of the anime and video game circle. Mental improvement by improving my writing, picking up python/FLEX, reading more history and economic books, etc. Physical improvement by taking swimming and cardio kick boxing classes as well as starting and maintaining a weight lifting regimen.

I have dreams that I plan on accomplishing before I hit the big 5 0 and to be honest, this lackadaisical approach to life is going to have to stop, period.

I've decided to confront my fears and reservations and do what I've always wanted. A big concern for me has always been "I don't have enough money/time to do ___." Well after reading Robert Kiyosaki, I've come to the conclusion that I'll adopt the mindset of the wealthy. Instead of saying "I can't" I will start asking myself "How can I?"

Ok that's it for now. I'll post updates on a regular basis but I won't lie, I've got a bunch of crap due over the next couple of weeks so if there happens to be a week or a couple of days that I don't post, well. . . Lol, no one reads this anyway so it doesn't really matter. I'm just going to treat this as some much needed soul cleansing and see how it goes.

P.S:

I purchased a digital camera yesterday. I guess I allowed my fear to overcome my rational thinking because as it stands I still have almost 500 bucks in the bank. Thats more than enough to last me until the beginning of summer break / hell... (fuck).

My next book: "Emotional Intelligence"

;)

4/22/07 – 3: 48 AM

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 08:09:43 GMT

Today I randomly walked with Sue (Cho) all the way to the Boston Commons at around 2 AM. To be perfectly honest when I walked back with Sue I had the sole intention of just coming back to bed and sleeping my ass off. But tonight was one of the best times I’ve had at BU if not the best. The weather was perfect, the night air was peaceful, and just talking about such subjects as love, sex, faith, death, and God made it all such a wonderful experience. I don’t have any major epiphany to record here, but I can say without a doubt that I am at peace.

God, all I want is to love and be loved by a special someone. I want to love you and have undying faith in you. I want to help others other than myself. I want to experience all that life has to offer. I want to experience a new level of intellectual enlightenment that I wasn't capable of achieving before. I want to build a legacy that will continue long after I am gone from this world. I want to be so much more than I currently am.

I won’t go to church because I don’t think it is appropriate to measure my faith and the worth of my soul simply by how often I attend church. I believe that this need to justify faith by trying to outdo each other with church activities is unbelievably shallow as our actions and attitudes outside of church are far more important. That point of free will is to give us a chance to genuinely express our love for God when we aren't compelled to. We have to come to him out of our own need for him in our lives. Being compelled to go to church just because it is the "right thing" to do is pointless because that isn't true love or faith, it is just caving in to social/peer pressure. I can’t claim to be a born again Christian if subconsciously I know very well that I am going to commit what I consider a sin again and again and again.

I’ve realized that this confidence game that I have to play with women is not so much a façade that I must maintain for them to come to understand me but it is just a way for me to get them to realize that I am a reliable man on whom they can depend on. I have the potential to devote myself entirely to them but I will only do so after they have gained my trust as a friend. My friendship and trust are not fickle things that a person can get and thrown away. I am not elitist and I will not deny myself the chance to meet and enjoy the company of others. But there is a special level of intimacy that I will only allow a trusted few to experience.

I realize that I am not an idealist when it comes to marriage and love. I want to experience sexual intimacy with other great woman before I decide who is the one for me and I also want the woman I choose to spend the rest of my life with to have the same opportunity. I don't want to experience uncertainty and doubt when I see her walk up that isle and I take her hand and speak those vows. Marriage is a commitment that two people make that binds them for the rest of their lives. You don't need marriage as a justification for having kids. If that is the sole reason for getting married then it is a shallow one. Marriage is an act of unification for the two persons involved whether it be man/woman, man/man, or woman/woman. I am not a fool and I know that people make mistakes but I also believe that before each and everyone makes such an agreement we must each do quite a bit of soul searching and ask ourselves are we ready. It should not be made out to be some trivial binding contract that can be rectified by a divorce.

One more thing that I realize is that to set my intended goals of love to a particular time table is at once incredibly limiting and stupid.

I shudder at how much of a fool I've been but at the same time I'm glad that I have had this chance to reflect on my beliefs

Well that’s it for today. I guess I lied about not having an epiphany.

;)

4/21/2007 – 1:49 AM

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 12:48:14 GMT

So I just came across a girl in the lobby of Warren that I have been really attracted as of late. This is honestly bothering the shit out of me. Like seriously there is an accumulation of events that have taken place this evening that have made me reflect on what I want to achieve this coming summer and school year. This evening I have: attended anime Boston and in the process watched an anime called “Graph shooter”, the main theme of which was freedom which at the moment resonates strongly with me. I ate at a restaurant in the Prudential Mall with Megan and Libby (awesome peeps by the way) and I saw a classmate out on a date with a guy. I wasn’t jealous or anything because I have never been attracted to the girl, it’s just that I wanted to be in that situation you know. To be able to converse with an intelligent and beautiful woman while at the same time she displays genuine interest in you. Just that “click” feeling that two people feel when they meet/date for the first time. God is it so wrong for me to want that. I also realized that I have been very selfish in my relations with this girl. For one I have listened to her problems with this guy that she was having lately. However, I realize that I just wanted her to long after me like some poor puppy. I wanted her wound up around my finger and to be perfectly honest I’m sickened to realize that was my intention on the subconscious level. Like really what the hell man? That is really perverted of me. I hope that she finds a great guy in New York and/or in the coming school year. I believe there are lots of great guys out there; it’s just that at this age a lot of us confuse love with attraction and sexual lust. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against sex and sexual desire when you first meet someone. It’s all part of the game. First comes attraction then MAYBE later love may follow. Extra emphasis on maybe because most of the time we are too preoccupied with a person’s physical qualities/sex appeal to be bothered with how deep of an individual they are. Again, nothing wrong with this, it’s just a tad bothersome that we often confuse this raging sexual desire with TRUE love. Again, I’m not saying that you don’t care about someone, but the REAL question is do you love them unconditionally. Let’s look at this from a hypothetical situation. Say a gunman (God forbid) walks up to said person who is the object of your affection. And say they have the gun pointed at them at the gunman is about to pull the trigger (again, heaven forbid), what do you do? Do you step in the path of the bullet without a second thought and without any hesitation? Will your body move without any thought or do you stand there frozen in fear, thinking to yourself “SHIT SHIT SHIT, GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” then start to run only to realize a few seconds later that the supposed person that you would die for is bleeding to death if not dead already. I am not judging anyone because frankly I’m fairly sure that I’d be hesitant to give my life up for someone that isn’t related to me by blood and even so, someone that isn’t my mother or my sister. I know I sound like a selfish bastard but really, I won’t sacrifice my life for someone that would not do the same for me. I’m sorry but we all have our limits to how far we would go for someone who isn’t related to us by blood. I love my friends and my extended family very much but I won’t kid myself into believing that there isn’t a limit to how far I would go for them nor do I kid myself into believing that there isn’t a limit into how far they would go for me. I value my relationships with them and by no means do I believe that our relationships are superficial but there is just a limit except when it comes to blood.

PHEW…

Ok so how did I get to that point again? Oh yeah so anyway I realize that I have unrealistic expectations in relation to my love life and with my relationships with other people. When I become friends with someone I have the unrealistic expectation that the friendship is exclusive, that only a few other people are able to be included in this group and that they are allowed to be friends with only a few other people but that only we are true friends. The same selfishness extends to my expectations of love with other people. I expect a girl to approach me because I like to fancy myself as better looking than others (why I honestly have no freaking clue. I swear it’s weird as fuck because when I look in the mirror I don’t find what I see to be attractive). I guess I just have a tendency to look down on people. So this summer I’ve come up with a resolution. Go on a date with at least 10 different women that you find attractive or interesting. Also meet other people outside my comfort circle, and yes, that means hanging out with people who drink and smoke because believe it or not, there are people who engage in these activities that are quite awesome people to be around and no, I am not better than them. I guess what I want most of all is to be free from my old self. I want to let go of my fears, I want to know myself, my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths, my talents and I want to improve. I have a basic idea of what needs to be done but I also know that this is a stepping stone to bigger things for me. I guess I’d be a huge liar if I said that I was a devout Christian or that in my mind there was no doubt that God exists. I guess if I had only one prayer it’d be that God grant me wisdom in all things that I pursue from now on. Simple but effective.